When Being Nice is Not Enough: A Course in Client Relationships

Introduction

The goal of this course is to train team members in communication skills that foster empathy and enhance understanding of the client’s position, thus facilitating the flow of productive activity.  Much time is devoted to analysis of the impact on corporate profits of things like absenteeism, turnover, and technical inefficiency.  These are important issues to be sure, but how much improvement in workflow can be realized through simply paying attention to communication?  How many sales could have been made, or clients retained or work hours been shortened if only there had not been misunderstandings among the parties involved? 

We cannot introduce the concept of client relationships without acknowledging that we are the key players in the exchange of ideas and information. Thinking of communication as an art that requires skills allows us to approach it from a perspective that is both practical and analytical.  How information enters our mind, how it is processed, how we react to it, and how to observe and recognize this in others makes us powerful forces in our realm.  We can use our skills to guide and to influence, to inspire and to motivate, and by so doing bring about enormous levels of positive change. 

By first examining who you are, you can understand how you receive and process information.  By learning how others do the same, you learn that you are at the same time similar and different from the others around you. By celebrating these differences and working with them rather than against them, you can move faster and farther than you ever thought possible, find friends where once you found enemies, and make discoveries and breakthroughs in areas that you had formerly believed were unavailable to you.

After learning about yourself, you can then apply the same procedure to others, like colleagues, clients and co-workers.  You will discover some similarities as well as some differences.  Endeavor now to communicate with them in a different way and observe the results.  Practice the techniques and develop some skill.  If you acquire a skill and practice it every day for twenty-one consecutive days, you will have created a habit.  If you practice it for twenty-eight consecutive days, you will create a behavior.  Then you can go out and change the world.

Part I:  Self-Assessment

1.  Hard Wiring:  Directional Flow

At birth, you are tested for a variety of key factors, like whether you are breathing, have all of your parts, or if you are a boy or a girl.  One of the tests also checks your startle reflex, and this is a predictor of whether you will be an introvert or an extrovert. 
In all of nature, there is balance:  light and dark, right and left, male and female, fast and slow, high and low.   We learn in our science classes that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.  Introversion and extroversion are functions of energy flow in humans, we are born this way, and we react accordingly.  For some of us, we use energy to interact with other people, and after a certain point, we must be alone to rest and recharge before we can consider being with others again.  We all need rest at times, but some of us need much more than others do when it comes to dealing with other people.  If being with others causes us to expend more energy than we derive, we are introverts.
On the other hand, some of us need to be around others to feel energized and stimulated.  Too much time alone, and we are enervated, listless, and depressed.  If being with others creates more energy that it uses up, we are extroverts.
We often associate shyness with introversion, but shyness is a conditioned reflex, where introversion is built in.  There are shy extroverts.  Shyness results from the physical response we feel when we are in the company of others, and also from the degree of self-absorption that we are feeling at the moment.  Shyness can be induced or reduced.  Introversion and extroversion are a part of your basic make up.
Given that we all like a little quiet time now and then, how do you see yourself when it comes to being with others?  Are you energized or depleted and ultimately stressed?  Does being alone too much leave you feeling depressed and listless or revitalized and restored?

• Do you believe that you are an extrovert?
• Do you believe that you are an introvert?
• Would you consider yourself shy?

2.  Learning:  Identification and Association;  Literal vs. Inferential

From birth to the age of about eight years, you are learning about your world from your primary caregiver at the most basic level.  The way in which you learn involves storing information from your surroundings, as it enters your consciousness from your five senses and your emotions.  First, you identify something, and then you associate it with something else.  That is how you classify it as good or bad, pleasure or pain, nice or not nice.  You are born with only two inherent fears:  the fear of loud noises and the fear of falling.  All other fears are learned.  Thus, you are able to store information that cookies are good, touching the hot stove is bad, and the barking dog next door is frightening.
From your primary caregiver (usually your mother but not always), you learn to interpret information as well.  If the way she talks to you and interacts with you is very direct and reliable – that is, what she says is what she does – then you tend to interpret information in a literal way.  You do not develop the need to look for hidden meaning. If, on the other hand, she says one thing and does another – that is, her words are not congruent with her actions – then you tend to interpret information in an inferential way.  You develop the need to look for hidden meaning.
Sometimes we grow up in an environment that sends us mixed signals, so that we develop the ability to interpret incoming information both literally and inferentially.  Thus, we can adapt quickly to either form of interpretation as the situation demands.  We can all learn, once we are aware of how we primarily interpret information, to shift our processing method to either literal or inferential, thus enhancing our ability to absorb and analyze the inputs we receive.
Between the ages of three and five, we begin to become aware of yet another level of information in our world:  what is us and what is not us.  We start to acknowledge the separateness of other individuals.  We realize that we are not an extension of our mother, nor she of us, and that we are all separate from each other.  We begin to perceive that we have an impact on others just as they have an impact on us.  The phenomenon that is taking place is called the emergence of empathy.  Empathy is the ability to see others as different from us, and to acknowledge their feelings as being different from ours. 
If the child does not receive acknowledgment of his own separateness from his mother during these years, he does not learn to feel empathy.  He believes himself unique in his ability to feel, and that he is the center of not just his universe, but of the whole universe. This is called narcissism.  Although narcissism is quite normal and necessary in infancy, it becomes problematic in adulthood, since the narcissist is able to interpret information only as it relates to him, rather than how it also relates to others.

• Do you interpret information at face value, or literally?
• Do you look for the hidden meaning, thus interpreting information inferentially?
• Are you aware of the impact that you have on others, sensing their feelings as well as your own?

3.  Representational and Filtering Systems

As we advance in our learning development, the information that we need to categorize increases in both volume and complexity so that we need to create symbols or representations for the stored data. We create representations using information from our five senses:  visual (sight), auditory (sound), kinesthetic (touch, pressure and texture), olfactory (smell), and gustatory (taste).  Combining a representation with a physiologic sensation results in a state:  a state of happiness, alertness, and so on.  Thus, we can recall a chocolate chip cookie that we have eaten by remembering what it smelled like, what it looked like, what it tasted like, what its texture felt like, whether it was crunchy (noisy) or chewy, and what our mood was like when we ate it. We can place ourselves in a state of mind having only the stored representation of the cookie from which to draw. 
In addition to representations derived through our senses, we also create representations using a language that is both spoken and written.  These are called digital representations.  Unlike sensory representations, digital representations are symbols (words) that rely upon rules for their understanding.  To understand these representations, it is necessary to know the language in which the symbols are based.  The language that is spoken and written is called a meta-program because it develops after the senses develop; it relies on an agreed-upon set of rules, yet it nonetheless draws upon information from the senses for its execution.  Also, a given written/spoken language is not universal:  there are nearly 500 formally recognized languages in the world today.
Given that there is a barrage of sensory input out there waiting to assault us at any given moment, we have ways of filtering it so that it does not completely overwhelm us.  We use values, which enable us to decide whether something is right or wrong, good or bad and how we feel about it.  We arrange values in a hierarchy that we determine based upon our own model of the universe.  We use our beliefs, which are generalizations about our world that either enable or disable us, giving or denying us power.  We use our memories of past events.  As we get older, we use collections of past memories to influence our behavior more than we use the present, which then plays a very small role in our behavior.  We use decisions, in conjunction with memories, to create beliefs, and thus affect our perception. We also use language, or meta-programs as filtering a device by agreeing to and abiding by a set of rules. 
Having received sensory input, processed it according to the way we were born, the way we were raised, the rules we abide by, and (as the result of the memory of experience) the screening system we have developed, we go one step further in our processing:  we refine the information by deletion, distortion, and generalization.  With deletion, we selectively pay attention to certain aspects and not to others.  We may overlook or omit. Deletion is the process whereby we reduce the amount of incoming information to a manageable level.  With distortion, we make shifts in our experience by misrepresenting or altering representations of reality. Distortion is the process whereby we motivate ourselves.  With generalization, we draw broad global conclusions based upon one or two experiences. Generalization is the process whereby we accelerate the rate at which we learn. We achieve this by limiting the number of times that we must analyze repetitive data, and by limiting the variety of data to be analyzed.

4.  Behavioral Communication:  Emotional (inferential) vs. Physical (literal)

During the period between ages nine and fourteen, we learn how to interact with the people in the world around us by observing and reacting to our secondary caregiver, who is usually but not always, our father.  We learn to conceal or reveal emotions, to suppress or release our physical reactions based upon the response that we get from our father.  We also learn too, how to express or repress our feelings, where our safety zone lies, and whether or not it is safe to become close to someone or safer to maintain our distance.
Physical:  If we are raised to expect and receive affection, to show emotion, to speak our mind freely, we are likely to behave in a way that is consistent with that.  We are spontaneous, open, literal, seeking and giving affection, generous with our emotions and our physical selves.  We dress to be noticed, drive cars that are stylish rather than practical, seek out the company of others, marry young, have and enjoy families, shake with hands that are warm and dry, and talk freely about everything, gesticulating often and expansively.  We form close relationships that last, and we are easy to get to know. We process incoming information literally, but we speak inferentially.  We love to hear the words that tell us that we are accepted, never tiring of being told that we are valued and loved.  We are extremely sensitive to rejection, however, and often perceive it where it does not really exist.  If we feel wronged, it may take years to recover, or we may not recover at all.
Emotional:  If we are raised to expect indifference or to maintain a stiff upper lip, we internalize nearly all of our feelings, speak only when necessary, and are conservative with our emotions and our physical selves.  We dress to blend in, we drive practical cars, can appear to prefer our own company to that of others, place career foremost in our priorities, shake with hands that are cool and possibly moist, and maintain a demeanor that is reserved and even constrained. We prefer to maintain a well-defined safety zone between ourselves and others, not getting too close, and our relationships may be short-lived, with people at times considering us difficult to get to know.  We can often be blunt in our assessment of others, believing that honesty is preferable to flattery or fluff.  When we do express our affection for others, we do so by our actions, rather than by our words, and believe that others should recognize this, since actions always speak louder than words.
Contrary to Mars and Venus, these two primary behavioral styles have no gender preference, nor do they exert prevalence one over the other in any social stratum. Nor is one better than the other.  Each has its benefits and each has its weaknesses.  They are, in truth, mirror images or complements of one another, like all things in nature. Conflict arises when the two find themselves endeavoring to communicate with one another, neither understanding the other’s basic makeup, each one assuming the other is the same, just being difficult.  Thus the Physical, prone to jealousy, and needing verbal and physical reassurance of affection, might feel slighted by the Emotional’s natural reticence and reserve.  The Emotional, not understanding the Physical’s constant demands for attention, feels pressured and seeks solace in the safety of work and hobbies.

• Based upon your understanding of your behavior, are you an Emotional or a Physical?

5.  Body Language:  Revealing the Subconscious

Only seven percent of what we communicate is verbal, coming from meta-programs, or language.  It makes sense, when you think of it, since language is rules-based, and much of our basic development does not emerge from rules.  We bow to certain conventions in order to achieve some level of standardization of the symbols or representations that we must use if we are going to get what we need from others.
The rest of the communication that we use is non-verbal:  93%, to be exact.  That means that when we are sitting in a meeting hearing endless (yes, endless) rhetoric, we are only getting the tip of the iceberg.  (Notice that the word “hearing” is used, rather than “listening”). Thirty-eight percent of communication comes from the tonality of the words spoken, and the remaining fifty-five percent is all body language.  Although we rely on all three forms of language to communicate, the last one, body language, is the most revealing and the most reliable. This is because we are generally not consciously aware of what we are revealing through our bodies.  We mentioned previously that combining sensory input with a physiologic response puts in a “state”, where we are involved both body and mind at that moment. Thus, there is a circular communication between our body and our mind while we are in a state, each one influencing and affecting the other.
Your body language tells people that you are comfortable or not:  you may be sitting easily in a chair, or you may be bolt upright and rigid.  You may be paying attention by making eye contact and turning toward the person who is talking or you may be yawning while counting holes in the ceiling tiles.  When you walk into a room, you signify your importance by your posture:  you walk upright, shoulders back and head up, looking at the people in the room, smiling and nodding recognition. Alternatively, you may walk in head down, shoulders slumped, looking nervous and avoiding even the risk of eye contact.  When you speak, you may use your hands.  If you are comfortable or passionate about your topic, your hands will be open, expansive or wide.  If you are not comfortable about your topic, your hands will be closed, even clenched, at your sides, or hidden. 
If you are genuinely glad to see someone, your smile will light up your whole face, with your eyes, cheeks and even forehead being involved.  If you are pretending to be glad, your smile will not spread past your lips, and there may even be a slight rise in the pitch of your voice because of tension in your throat.  If you are feeling connected to someone, your body movements will match that person’s, your rate of speech will slow or speed up to compare with his or hers, and your whole body will be turned toward your friend, as you lean toward him or her and close the gap between you.  If your companion feels the same way about you, he or she will allow you to close that gap, not backing away as you move closer.

• What do you do when you enter a room? 
• Do you speak with your hands?  How do you use your hands?
• Do you feel comfortable when you are talking to someone, so that you express connection through your posture?
• Does the way you behave around men differ from the way you behave around women?
• Are you aware of your body (self-conscious) when you are around other people?

6.  Personality Typing:  STAR, or Core Values Assessment

It is generally agreed that there are four basic personality types.  How those types are identified and classified, differ greatly from expert to expert.  Many testing systems have been devised to assess personality types, and they are elaborate, detailed, and very scientific.  You do not have time, however, to do psychological testing on your clients, nor would they be likely to agree to it.  However, you can arrive at some reliable conclusions by being observant and by knowing a little about how to interpret those observations.  You can begin by using yourself as a template.
Core values emerge as the ultimate way that people make decisions about their environment and how they attempt to influence and control it.  Core values are an excellent predictor of behavior when higher-level decision-making is required.  We use the acronym STAR as our meta-program representation.
S is for Stability – systems, security, tradition, safety, organization, structure, responsibility, reliability, predictability, simplicity and service.  At their best, S’s run efficient meetings on schedule, setting up and implementing reliable systems.  At their worst, they are rigid and inflexible, resisting change and new, unproven ideas. Their period is the past, since it is proven.  They can be pessimistic, but they are also are as steady as the Rock of Gibraltar.  Approximately 38% of people are S’s.
T is for Theory – knowledge, learning, logic, accuracy, the big picture, strategy, abstract thinking, problem solving, analysis, rationality, design, precision in thought and language.  At their best, T’s resolve conflict rationally, logically, and without emotionalism.  They quickly learn and understand abstract ideas.  At their worst, they may appear critical and cold, and at times so absorbed with learning that they do not take action.  Their time frame is infinite, since theory and logic know no temporal boundaries.  They prefer innovation, can be embarrassed by praise, and are inclined to be perfectionists.  Approximately 12% of people are T’s.
A is for Action – freedom, adaptability, spontaneity, passion, excitement, opportunity, entertainer, crisis management, reality-based problem solving, competition, negotiation.  At their best, A’s are risk takers, natural entrepreneurs, and lovers of beauty and ready to take advantage of opportunity.  At their worst, they are impatient, disruptive, controlling and domineering.  Their time frame is the future, since their attention span is brief and they are already looking ahead to the next moment.  A’s want to get straight to the bottom line, because time is important and their high energy cannot be restrained for long.  Approximately 38% of people are A’s.
R is for Relationship -- people, emotions, causes, romance, animals, communing with nature, diplomacy, ethics, ideals, cooperation, personal growth, communication, building rapport, empathy, harmony.  At their best, R’s are enthusiastic, involved and supportive, focused on the greater good, always there for the people.  At their worst, they personalize too much, may ignore reality in favor of the dream, and lose sight of details when looking for the big picture.   Their time frame is the present, since face-to-face actions take place in the here and now.  R’s like metaphors and value empowerment. Approximately 12% of people are R’s. 

• Where do your core values lie?  Can you find yourself using this assessment tool?

1.  Personality Assessment Evaluation:  Profiling

Using yourself as a template, create a profile of yourself based upon the way you fit into the criteria in Part 1.  Keep in mind that no one precisely fits any model or pattern, and that at any time we are a composite of more than one type or style.  However, there tend to be some indicators that one type or another predominates, and that is the one we use for assessment purposes.  The purpose of profiling is not to pigeonhole or label, although it may seem that way at first.  Profiling is a tool to be used for observing patterns of behavior.  By observing patterns, we can devise strategies that we can use to achieve goals.  Our goal with profiling behavior in this way is to be able to recognize differences so that we can implement the right strategies to create understanding.  Through understanding, we can create cooperation.

Ask yourself the following questions, writing the answers in a list:

• Are you an extrovert or an introvert?
• Do you assimilate information literally or inferentially (or both ways)?
• In your behavior, are you an Emotional or a Physical?
• With your body language, do you convey confidence or shyness?
• With your body language, do you convey a desire to connect or to maintain distance?
• Using the Core Values assessment for personality type, what is your dominant personality type?
• Using the Core Values assessment for personality type, what is your subordinate personality type?

Exercise 1:  Now that you have estimated your own traits, do the same for someone else.  Do not discuss this with the other person beforehand.  After you have made your assessment, compare your results to your test subject’s own assessment. 
With practice, you will be able to make on-the-spot assessments when you are in front of clients or colleagues based upon what you are now able to observe while you are listening.  You may think of leading questions to ask that will give you more insights into the personality and traits of the person with whom you are working.
Once you have the necessary insights, you can then use the information to build rapport with the client or your colleague.  It is important that you listen and observe while you are in the presence of your client, since what you observe is what you will need to really communicate with the client, targeting his core values, reading his body language, understanding his words and watching for subtle changes in the way her is responding to the discussion.

2.  Building Rapport

Rapport is a process of responsiveness, not one of “liking”.  You do not have to like your client to build a rapport with him.  Your position with respect to your client is one of service, and part of service is to be able to establish enough trust so that the work can proceed.  By using a system that allows you to quickly evaluate how your client processes information, which values drive his decision-making, and whether he is openly expressive or tacit and reserved, lets you get to the basis of the problem or issue and assure a more efficient exchange of information.  Now you know how to talk to him and you know how to better interpret his words when he talks to you.
The key to building rapport is a technique called matching and mirroring.  Often we do this unconsciously when we are accordant with someone we like, but it is not automatic when we are in a situation with people we do not know or do not like.  When we match and mirror, we match the pace of our speech, our breathing, and our body movements, to the person before us.  We match the tone and volume of our voice, the type of words we use, the rate at which we blink, our posture, our gestures, and our associations. 
Our words are quite important, but in a way that is far more revealing than the technical information that we may be discussing.  The types of words used are indicators of the way in which we form representations.  Each of us has a preferred means of forming representations.  Some of us are visual; some of us are auditory, some kinesthetic.  Visuals use words like:  see, look, view, illuminate, envision, foggy, crystal.  Visuals “see” everything they say, remember and learn, so talking to them in those terms enhances communication with them. Auditories use words like:  hear, listen, rings a bell, silence, be heard, all ears, tune in/tune out.  Auditories “hear” everything they learn and remember, so talking to them in terms of sound metaphors works with them.  Kinesthetics use words like:  feel, touch, make contact, concrete, hard, unfeeling, slip through, get a hold of, get a handle on.  Kinesthetics “feel” everything they learn and remember, so using feeling, touching and contact metaphors work with them.

When you are in front of someone, you can gauge whether he is visual, auditory or kinesthetic by looking at where his eyes go when he talks.  When you ask a question of a visual, he will look up to the left if he is right-handed when he is accessing a memory of an actual event.  He will look up to the right if he is imagining something or if he is lying.  The opposite is true of a left-handed person.  If he is auditory, he will look to the right or left, level with his ears depending if he is creating or remembering.  If he is kinesthetic, he will down to either the right or left, either accessing feelings or talking to himself. 
It is important to pay attention to eye position.  Eye contact is important when listening, but when speaking, often one looks away to access memories or create an answer.  Only when someone never makes eye contact or makes steady, fixed eye contact does it become problematic.  Avoidance of eye contact creates mistrust, and steady, penetrating eye contact is very intimidating. Being aware of your client while talking with him allows you to observe these subtle changes and reactions as the discussion moves along.  If you are not paying attention, you will miss these cues.  Missing cues can and often does lead to misunderstanding.

3.  Communicating Through Core Values

When you are with a client, and if you are fortunate enough to be in his own office, look around you for signs of his core values.  By correctly assessing his core values, you will be able to communicate to him the information that he wants to hear and which he will use when he forms his opinion of you. 
An S will have a neat, orderly office with books in alphabetical order, or some other systematic order, and his desk will be neat and even empty.  The furniture will be traditional, good quality if he has anything to do with it, and in good condition.  He will be on time for appointments, and he will expect the same of you.  Meetings will end on time as well.  He will be dressed according to the prevailing dress code, and expect you to follow the same procedure.  He will want to hear that safety rules have been followed, permits have been obtained on time, and that things are proceeding according the plan.  Too much innovation will disturb him; so if you must introduce a novelty, make sure that you prove that precedents exist and that the risk for failure is low.  Your presentation must be organized, so be sure to do your homework beforehand. 
A T will have a messy office with papers everywhere because he will be working on several projects at once, all of which must be thoroughly researched before they can be approved or implemented.  He will be late, most likely, but you must be on time because you do not know when he will be ready to see you.  He will not let you go until he is satisfied, so make sure you are flexible with time.  If you rush out for another appointment before he is satisfied, you will lose points.  He will be less concerned with your appearance (unless you are female) so rather than dress to impress, make sure you can answer all of his many technical questions. Be prepared to answer a string of objections or defend your position, because he will use logic to weaken your proposal at any opportunity, with the premise that he is merely touching all the bases.
An A will breeze in and out, answer calls, move around the room, interrupt you and show demonstrable impatience if you try to present too much information.  He will be dressed to impress, so you should not try to upstage him.  He does not appreciate one-upsmanship in his space, so take the opportunity to shine by getting right to the bottom line.  Spare the details and the technical jargon:  he is not listening.  Allow him to be magnanimous and expansive and accept whatever he offers to you.  Finish quickly and leave early.  He will let you know when you are through.
An R will greet you with a three-handed handshake and ask you about yourself or your family.  He may tell you about his.  Listen and add some human interest of your own.  His office will have family pictures, awards, plants, toys, or other “soft” items or memorabilia.  If he has a rocking chair in the office, sit it in when he invites you to sit down.  Present information to him that makes him proud that he is doing business with an ethical and environmentally responsible company.  Show that you are proud also to be associated with a company that rewards its employees, uses only dolphin-safe products and has child-care on the premises.  Smile and do it sincerely.

4.  Setting the Intention for the Result:  Managing Situations with Communication Tools

We are operating under the basic assumption in this course that you are doing the job that is required of you and that you have the technical competence and ability to perform the tasks assigned to you.  Thus, we have not spoken of things like budgets, schedules, pricing and quality control because these elements of client satisfaction are actually easier to manage than one-to-one communication.  The means by which a completed project can be evaluated are far more consistent, objective and quantifiable than the means by which we can evaluate the effectiveness of communication. 
The best way we can devise an evaluation method for communication effectiveness is by visualizing a desired outcome.  This can be agreed upon by all parties beforehand or by one person as he walks into a room.  When scheduling a client meeting, it is helpful to ask for a goal or objective, and then structure the meeting in terms of that objective.  Meetings usually have some agenda and specific business to be discussed, but the effectiveness of the overall communication is not usually factored into that agenda.  Setting the intention before the meeting is remarkably effective for uniting all parties under a common umbrella.
Acknowledging the differences in learning, core values, behavior and representational processing can be more productive than would seem at first.  Guiding the flow of discussion around these different styles can make use of each of their contributions, without stifling or over-emphasizing anyone.  Accepting differences as complementary rather than conflicting allows for framing remarks and rebuttals in a positive way rather than in a negative or belittling way.  Understanding inherent differences increases learning and exchange, coming from a position of empathy rather than one of enmity.  The client benefits when his needs are addressed and his ideas are heard, and the consultant benefits when he is paid on time and the job can be completed on schedule and under budget.

• Describe an example of effective communication that you have witnessed. What made it effective?  How can you apply that to other situations?

• How do you feel when you believe that someone understands you?  What does that involve?  Can you reverse that, and create the belief in someone else that he is understood?

Part III:  Case Analysis

Robert Bramson wrote a book called Coping with Difficult People that describes seven different types of problem people.  We all recognize someone from that group – maybe even ourselves – and we can recall painful memories of interactions with them.  There are the Hostile-Aggressives (Sherman Tanks, the Exploders, the Snipers), the Complainers, the Clams, the Super-Agreeables, the Negativists, the Bulldozers and Balloons, and the Stallers.
Bramson offers many suggestions for coping with these business types but there are certain recommendations that work for all of them, even though each one is different. 

• Labeling.  This is a form of generalization, after the identification and association. 
• Understanding.  This is where empathy comes into play.
• Self-Assessment.  Acknowledge that you have also been a difficult person.
• Accepting and embracing the differences.  Work with them not against them.

It helps to realize that most of the really difficult behavior situations result from defensiveness, fear, and insecurity.  Recognizing this in the context that the person acting this way is a person, a human being, who may just be having difficulty communicating, helps a great deal when it comes to strategizing for change.
The following are ten examples of difficult people that you can review and discuss, drawing upon your own experience with very similar people in various situations.  You know how the situations played out in the past.  What can you use now to hypothesize different outcomes?

• Engineer:  Analytical; hands-on; checks everything; no delegating or team building
• Militaristic:  Punctual; demanding; rigid; literal and emphatic
• Good Ole Boy:  Relationship-oriented regardless of performance; all players not performers
• Institutional:  Domineering; process oriented; overactive; firmly structured; hard to read
• Yeller  and Screamer: Emotional acting out; doesn’t listen to reason; threatens/retracts
• Unstable Internal Environment: Unstable organization; chaotic decision and info processing
• Team Player: Synergizing; win-win; accepts recognition and understands issues and results
• Responsible Manager, no Authority:  Cannot make changes or manage the project
• Long-Distance Manager:  Infrequent job visits cause info back-up and job slowing
• Quiet with Periodic Involvement:  Comes and goes but does not stay engaged daily

Exercise 2:  In small groups, consider the case examples.  Construct a situation involving the individual described and assign a group member to be that person, acting in the manner associated with that type.  Have one or more people in the group interact with him and try to cope with the behavior using the material about information processing, core values, representational systems, and behavioral communication.  Choose a member of the group to facilitate or moderate, and then to report back to the main group at the end of the exercise. 

• Were any of the techniques successful?    Why or why not?